Sleeping with the enemy?

Writing on such an issue is like trying to catch the fire in your hands. I am well aware of the fact that it would only highlight my state of ignorance but at the same time I think that it is the first thing to know before anything else. As Socrates had said "True knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing". As we grow up revising and unlearning should be given precedence(its hard, next to impossible, try it) over learning the new because we tend to become slaves of our own biases(experiences, if you like to say but remember the story of an elephant and 7 blinds). The Zen philosophy meaningfully suggests us to remain in the state of a beginner. It is important because we can not reach the right place by using the wrong map. Life is for Arjuna who not only knows how to enter in the chakravyooha but also how to come out of it. Most of us are like Abhimanyu who can pave a way into the world of ideas but are intellectually killed there only by our own cognitive biases. So beware of theorising complacently.I am going to proceed with the main topic with a commitment to the spirit of unlearning. The title suggests that I am going to talk about marriage (not just sex you maniac). Now talking about marriage for a bachelor is ridiculously premature but it is equally so for anyone.

Let me first discuss the scope of my article. This is going to present a perspective of a small town guy who is decently educated and exposed to modern ideas but raised in a typical middle class Indian family and unconsciously inherits its ethos. Also, this essay will raise some question and will not attempt to provide any solutions, however I will try to stimulate your thoughts.

Let me ask you some 'stupid' questions. Let me see if you can relate to what I find disturbing. As far as the relevance of these issues are concerned I leave it upto you to decide what is most important for you. If peace of mind is not your answer then dont waste your time here any more.


1. You go to a party with your wife. One of her friend says that she looks sexy (casually enough for render your reaction,if any, look over-reaction and sincerely enough to transfer the glint of his eyes into hers).

Being a woman your wife is bound to like the compliment(and she expects you to not only appreciate the innocuousness of the comment but also to feel happy about it, after all you happen to be the lucky leaseholder/owner of her coveted body!) and one who made her shopping and make-up meaningful(you do it everyday, what's the big deal?). And anyways, her friend is "cool", he uses this word for almost anything under the sun. Remember examples for yourself. And to the ecstasy of the druggists, she would have many such friends. So dear hubby, CHILL!! Talk about propriety like a oh-so-boring school teacher(we dont need no education) or about dignity like a senile grand pa(papa dont preach) and face her post-party beauty "with extra beats".

Being a man with a minimal level of testesterone and resulting possessiveness for your wife you are bound to detest the comment for its sheer audacity. He verbally entered into your territory and that too with a guaranteed impunity which this modern society provides. If you react "negatively"(in your wife's judgement) you will 'embarrass/hurt' her the most and will end up generating more sympathy for him in her heart. If you dont go for venting(Freudian advice to avoid heart attack) your anger then you encourage such advances at the cost of social concept of your masculinity.

Okay, I wont subject you to binary pressure, you can employ your lateral thinking and come up with a third alternative. That is not the issue. The interesting thing is that one word said at right circumstance can cause you a headache if you have one.Anyways, think what would you do? Full marks to you if you are the one who waits for the ball dance to begin in which change of partners are allowed. Play the "game" of a loving husband because actually being one can cause you a nervous breakdown or a break-up.


2. She is rejoicing. Her boss(He is GOD!! He always encourages her to give her best. He takes the best out of her. He helps her to realize her potential. He is just amazing with a capital A.) patted her and urged her to work harder. She goes well with him and tonight they are going to meet at hilltop restaurant to discuss the course of the project.

If you have seen your father dealing with this situation then LUCKY YOOOU!!

Otherwise after feigning interest for sometime you dont know what to do.

'TRUST' is something you can do until you come up with anything less helpless. Anyways, this is what she passionately urges you to do(God knows why). I wonder Archies would probably earn more money by selling "TRUST ME" Cards than Indian Gurus in US earned by selling peace of mind. And the rate with which passion and commitment(both limited commodities, in the language of market) are being introduced as essential components in professional relationships, it is increasingly felt that personal relationships have to draw its breath from TRUST only. Whenever you feel loneliness or anxiety, dont worry, go and see the 'signatured' TRUST ME card, drink a glass of water and be happy. Otherwise you can follow what other urban Indians are doing, join 'Art of living' and breath away all the tensions of modern life.

So by now you can appreciate that I want to draw your attention to the cultural difference between an educated man and a modern woman. Now let me elaborate my perception of this modern woman. Most are true for modern man too.

She thinks less and does more.. because in metros life is fast and neighbors give you fierce competition, everywhere, at least city-slickers are more aware of dangers around them. She is trained to be smart(? in India smartness starts from westernization and ends there only) and successful(? acquisition of money and what money can buy, what else), at any cost. So baby, RUN!! She takes quick decisions(of any type) and eventually makes a good manager. She reads Ayn Rand and gets herself disentangled from other moral values, which are often uncomfortable.

She is COOL. Now for the uninformed 'cool' is euphemism for people with myopic vision and circumcribed cognitive faculty. But beware, she is CONFIDENT(mercury level decreases even more, making any improvement furthur difficult), this is what these people are taught in their convent schools with exorbitant fee structures.

She has appearance if not substance. She reads and keeps herself abreast of 'Hot' issues. Well, when it comes to 'real' thinking then Uncle Sam hardly comes to rescue. I am hardly saying that her country counterpart is any better but at least she doesnt carry a huge ego beside her all the time.

She is alone and available. You dont have to be a PhD in sociology to appreciate that the 'planned' nuclear families dont offer much scope for familial interaction. So she socializes and searches for friendly faces among strangers. This makes us vulnerable as well as strong.

*Recently I heard about a club in Mumbai which organizes blind dates for interested people. There you get to meet around 20 girls in an hour and you exchange telephone numbers etc if your 'vibes' match. It's difficult but dont laugh and try to understand the forces behind this ridiculous behavior. Well, they rationalize it by using yet another buzzword 'just for FUN' but that doesnt make it any less bizarre.

She can hardly love. Pathetic "innocence quotient" renders them incapable for soft feelings devoid of pragmatic interests. They prefer expediency over anything else. And anyways, their world is too sophisticated for soft emotions, they are out of fashion, outdated.

Now I will enumerate the distinguising characteristics of MW.

A. She is CONFUSED.
Majority of them has pre-modern parents who share the pre-modern chemistry. She reads fairy tales in her childhood and get exposed to the medieval concepts of courtship and romance. Her "man" is someone with chivalry and super human abilities. Later in her life too, though she gets conditioned by the slogans of equality etc by various channels of communications, she longs for a superior man as her life partner.

As she grows up and discovers her sexual identity, she also developes her taste(which is mostly contemporary western). As shakespeare had rightly pointed out that music is food for love, she recreates her idea of love with modern music. Now the lyrics of these songs are influenced by postmodern idea of human relationship, that too as conceived in occidental or more specifically American societies. Do I need to go in details about the relative strength of family as an institution in US? With full respect and sympathy to our western counterparts, let me just state that parivaar in India is poles apart from family in US. The degree of cohesion and commitment is simply incomparable, if you are skeptical about this then listen to our hindi/urdu songs(my fav- jo waada kiya woh nibhana padega) . Still not sure? Okay, what do you think you would do if a friend of yours proudly flaunts his mom's boyfriend's car? Yeah, to your utter embarassment, this happens there. And remember the recent killings in a school of Minnesota by a kid? Among others his grand pa and, hold your breath, his girlfriend were there whom he mercilessly massacred. I know that this manslaughter is an aberration but not the fragmented family system they have. Willy-nilly our modern woman imbibes the essence of the culture which is alien to majority of educated indians. I repeat I am not interested in denigrating but I am just trying to highlight the popular face of western civilization and its impact on our youth.
She has dichotomy between her desires too. She expects her man to be extremely valiant like Hercules outside and at the same time "understanding" if not tractable like a pet at home. Now this can have serious implications in long run because the expectations are hardly compatible in a man with well-defined personality.

*Now forget about man-woman relationship. Her confusion exceeds this domain. Any stereotypical modern woman asserts her preference for her own individuality and identity etc. I am yet to meet one who understands the meaning of these words. Dostoevsky has drawn our attention towards the consequent alienation in the pursuit of self-inviduality and identity. Camus says in L'Stranger that if you dont play the social games you are bound to face isolation. Can you see any such thing like uniqueness? I can not. On the contrary all I see is STANDARDIZATION. All of them are alike, in every perceptible way. Anyways socialization leads to integration not alienation. So her assertion is either sham or yet another testimony to her perennial state of confusion. Let her dance on the tunes of "It's my life" in her bedroom, dont get carried away. If you have a cane and a carrot then dont worry, she watches advertizements.


B. She is fighting with HISTORY.
She is in 'reaction' mode. She might not be sure what she is for but she surely knows what she is against. She says "I will NOT do this" much louder and clearer that "I will do this". All of us indubitably agree to the fact that woman has been victimized since long. Equally valid is the point that a son should not be punished for the misdeeds of his father. Justice is not done if we are made to bear the venom which has been collected for generations. But the reality differs from ideality.

One act of dominace can trigger God knows which part of her brain. She loves you as a person but as soon as she "recognizes" the "MAN" in you, her long time tormentor, the monster, the villain, you better run for your life. Honesty and spontaneity etc are okay but like other virtues, only for their display value. If you get carried away by them then you open Pandora's box unintentionally because you are not above human frailties and simple mistakes are treated like reversal to bestiality. Controlled and monitored frankness is, I think, the best policy. If you have better idea then please let me know.

You can glibly suggest the educated man to insulate himself from the modern woman. But the cities offer various opportunities and attract many talents from everywhere. As opposites attract, they fall. Educated man gets dazzled by the charm and brilliance of modern woman and the modern woman too admires certain traits in him(and assumes the presence of everything desirable and absence of everything inconvenient) and allows intimacy. She does it casually when she is in college(peer pressure or cool factor or to avoid 100 suitors or Mills n Boon effect) and more meaningfully when she is in a job(to avoid arrange marriage, what a horribly archaic thought!!).

It is a curse on us that we are made to engage in a battle for power with people we are supposed to love. Yes, it is a power game. Gender discrimination is never opposed when it works for them, (or for anyone), ask your heart if it is untrue. This attitude militate against the spirit of true modernity. But no one apparantly wants to notice this fact. Ekta Kapoor, the queen of Indian tele-serials proudly announces in a reputed weekly that men in her company are like mere puppets, as they are in her serials. She is considered to be one of the most "successful" women in India and many young girls aspire to be like her. I dont think that this type of outlook would serve anyone anything except cheap titillation the nature of which is predominatly masturbatory.

For those who dont know, the seeds of feminism are found in the writings of Mill, and he was a man. Raja Ram Mohan Roy and Gandhi had worked a lot for the emancipation of women in India. Men have to understand that this change is desirable bacause it is in tune with his own sense of dignity and Women need to keep in mind that graduality in change would not only obviate unnecessary recoil but also would provide stability in everyone's life. Also, we must ensure not to replace a wrong with another. We must understand that we cannot live without each other so let the love triumph over the petty power game. Lets put an end to the politics of slogans.

Finally, lets not confuse and corrupt the people. Modernity need not accompany dead-pan, hard looking 'model' faces as often advertized by the media, very subtly and very imperceptibly.

The words that give solace to our hearts can never be thrown out of dictionary. Rest everything depends upon the existential choices we make.

*It is, I admit, a very opinionated essay, almost an emotional outburst. It never claims to be philosophically teneble and my opinions are subject to change.