Giving In

"You need not say a word. Let your character come forth to your defense, and speak on your behalf in the hours of trial." I used to believe and follow this religiously. Everyone liked me then, when I was a teenager.

I am the same person, but today my whole being revolts against this thought. Why should I care for this trial? Is my life nothing but a mere preparation for an unknown inquisition which lurks somewhere in future, and for which I need to collect evidences and witnesses who would testify to my uprightness? Why should I live in this dark shadow of fear? Isn't fear a dehumanizing emotion?

And was my idea of character any different from a mere collection of my impression on others? I was out to make an image. But I not aware that images come costly, and their maintenance was even costlier. Plus it was demeaning to sell yourself in order to buy your image. How dreary it is to be interpreted by others! How scary it is to be subjected to others' opinion about yourself! How suffocating it is to explain yourself to others! How mechanical it is to be consistent! All this to keep an image!

And all this when judgment has already been written in favor of the powerful! Keeping the judgment hidden inside the drawer, the judge sits through the entire farce and amuses himself. No court has ever given justice to anyone; the best of them may afford alms of kindness to those who inspire pity. Thanks, but no thanks. No courtroom drama for me.

I will not answer their questions. If they insist, I will try to obfuscate them, and dodge them as long as I can. Since I don't play mind games with lesser people, I'll suspend my logic and give in to my imagination. I will talk nonsense with random burst of passion. I will speak in a language they wouldn't understand, and grin at their face, thereby confessing crimes I have never committed. I will pretend like a genius-gone-gaga. I'll give a blank look to the lawyer, and then I'll complain of a queer smell in courtroom. By the way, if the judge happens to be an old man, I'll let him know that I am an inveterate atheist. It will be fun to hear from him that that's irrelevant to the case. If the judge happens to be a woman, I will like to point out that her little ear ring sways wildly and diverts my attention from the truth. *

It sounds weird but I feel an urge to rebel against this tyranny of feedback. Sometimes I deliberately do things to invite people's disapprobation. The image of Jesus Christ comes to my mind. What a man he was! They kicked him, mocked at him, crucified him with petty thieves, and worst of all - left his dead body to rot out in open. I wonder what held his head high. Did he live for honor? No. Perhaps he never thought in terms of honor and shame. A life in pursuit of honor ends up becoming a life of slavery, which is more shameful than anything else. Fear from ridicule makes life ridiculous. Damned are those who can't take ridicule. They are not capable of being anything of any worth. They will be ruled by carrot and stick. As far as I am concerned, I know I can not stop the fools to judge me, but I can not allow the fools to rule me either. **

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An actress is not fully accepted in film-factory unless she sheds her clothes. Clothes are considered a symbol of self-indulgence, and individuality, which has no place in a meat market. Meat need not have a face. Meat must show humility to its consumers. Every bit of young actress' reluctance is relished by the self-assured market-men, who know that everything comes with a price tag, and a breaking point. They use price as a means of psychological pressure, and savor the silent spectacle of her breaking down, the longer the better. In pressure, our mind invents excuses and makes us fit enough to survive. And the fit person, an apostate, not only survives but also becomes an passionate supervisor of the ruling cynicism. That's how cynicism works.

I have seen people around me giving in to things they otherwise disapprove, like smoking and drinking, only to be accepted in a group. And the group hates those who stay put on their grounds. The group hates the vanities of man - the so-called values (and the fetish of face)! They use seclusion as a means - they lock you in a remand room where nobody talks to you except the walls, till you give in.

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* That reminds me of this supposedly serious meeting with my HR manager. I was not in a serious mood though. So I took her on a roller-coaster. She must have expected another banal intercourse with a java guy. She was pleasantly disoriented. Audacity! mixed with middle-age chivalry worked like a charm. None of us can resist entertainment, especially when it is followed by flattery! That was risky, but the risk was worth taking it.

Warning - Do whatever you want to, but don't forget the code of sophistication. More importantly, never try this with a Scorpio, or a Capricorn, no matter how cool or hot she looks. You'll have to regret it.

** What will people say? attitude bugs me to no end. It saddens me to see that we seek public opinion even in (ironically, only in) private matters. Even love is not a matter of will anymore, it has become a mandate.