Arranging marriage

ये किस मुकाम पर हयात* मुझको लेके आ गयी
ना बस ख़ुशी पे है जहाँ, ना ग़म पे इख्तियार है

The worst thing about marriage is that you need someone else. You can not do it alone.

And it must be done! Old people want to run a show. They want to host a party. They want to wear their suits and flaunt their jewelery and look good in the video recordings. So boy, park you bike there, get yourself fixed somewhere and dress up for the evening!

That's all fine. But where is the lady of the golden frame? Have you found her? Gone are good old days of yours. Arranging marriage was never easy, but it seems a real tough deal nowadays.

- We have or we imagine we have something which we call our identity. And we are very conscious and sometimes rather possessive about this identity, especially when we want to justify something or simply fight with someone. This something - identity - is the cause of some of the most serious relationship problems, sometimes from the very outset of a relationship.

- Your mantra of "Career First" has started to backfire. Our generation seems to have taken this mantra a bit too seriously. We have never understood why something as petty and as vague as 'career' can come first in someone's life. And we have no idea for how long career will be placed ahead of things that really matter to us. For if career comes first, we come second, third or somewhere farther behind. We never questioned you, but perhaps we should have. May be it's too late now. The horse has left the cart behind and is running for its own sake.

- The photographs you show don't show enough of them. And when I call them up (after realizing that talking to them would surely be less painful than otherwise), I feel that I have skipped some very important steps. Besides, we tend to be objective in such interviews, which leads us to assume such an attitude which is neither human nor conducive to the development of any genuine feeling. In short, I strongly feel that this marriage market is not a place to be in, though I might not be able to explain why. And so my head feels heavy when you give me another number.

- This duplicity of standards can not sustain itself for long. Either you marry us like your parents had been married - without all this farce of meeting and knowing each other - or you leave us be. We can be obedient, but then don't expect us to enjoy obeying. And me warn you that obedience in these matters has its own consequences.

- Loneliness is not a good habit, and could be dangerous if prolonged, unless dealt with utmost care. It keeps us in a virtual world and gives us a false sense of freedom, which we waste in self-indulging pursuits. This virtual life makes us self-absorbed and rigid, if not schizophrenic, and difficult to adjust with reality later in life. Moreover, some pleasures, if delayed for long, lose their essence with time. And they are replaced by obstinate abstinence punctuated with guilty deviations.

Not only the institution of arranged marriage but the whole idea of sexual morality and man-woman relation need to be rationalized as per the demands of contemporary lifestyle. The expectations will have to be moderated and the priorities involving compatibility will have to be revised - as I had said in my previous post, that things like caste don't hold much relevance anymore in marital life.

* Life

The Knitting Continues...

Sensex has finally touched the magical 20K. Beta Ambani elbows out Bill Gates as the richest person in world. Jubilations! Celebrations!

Far from these cries of jubilations and celebrations, somewhere in the heart of India, about 250K people, men and women from 12 states of country, downtrodden and exploited, divested of their lands and homes by the claws of growth and development, are quietly walking their way to New Delhi. About 6 km long serpentine queues crawl slowly towards the citadels of power. They speak different languages but what unites these people is their pain and their hope, the former very much alive and the latter on verge of death. And no matter in what language these poor men and women speak, their demand is same - Justice.

- Hope every powerless realizes that (s)he is the very source of power in democracy and it is high time the powerful understands it without any ambiguity.

- Hope they realize that when the rich and powerful forget Guillotine, they become vulnerable to various maladies that unrestrained power often engenders. Evidences exist to support the fact that every democracy needs a Guillotine in its backyard to protect itself from corruption and other evils that power invariable entails.

When a strong tortures a poor, it is administration, but when the weak raises his voice against the strong, it is revolution. Violence is indeed deplorable, but condoning oppression is also a form of violence. Non-violence, though impressive to the mind of the simple, is a doctrine which is imagined by an idiot and marketed by the satisfied. This doctrine seems indifferent to the urgency that is felt by the mother of starving children.

- Hope they understand that Red is the most convincing color. When a bull sees red, he loses his sense. But when a man sees it, he comes back to his senses.

Something that Gandhi's Talisman tries to sensitize has been rendered numb by greed in most of the people who are bribed by institutions like sensex. Perhaps a Chanakya is needed to rise again and rouse them to things that are more important than 20K.

May justice be done, urgently. Thankfully we, as a whole, do not believe in the cult of Guillotine, but I vaguely wish that we should make an exception sometime.

Above all, it must be understood that nothing but the dreams of Dharavi keep Hiranandanis immortal. Whosoever puts the crown on his head invariably becomes Dhananand. In that case, not only the crown but the very longing for crown must be destroyed, otherwise Dhananand will keep on coming to life, again and again.

Gandhi's Talisman

"I will give you a talisman. Whenever you are in doubt, or when the self becomes too much with you, apply the following test. Recall the face of the poorest and the weakest man(woman) whom you may have seen, and ask yourself, if the step you contemplate is going to be of any use to him(her). Will he(she) gain anything by it? Will it restore him(her) to a control over his(her) own life and destiny? In other words, will it lead to swaraj(freedom) for the hungry and spiritually starving millions?
Then you will find your doubts and your self melt away."

- One of the last notes left behind by Gandhi in 1948, expressing his deepest social thought.

चाणक्य - 39

धननन्द - महा अमात्य, क्या तुम विजयी हुए?

चाणक्य - नही सम्राट, शासक की पराजय में शिक्षक की विजय नही हो सकती| कहीं कोई विष्णुगुप्त चूक गया था, इसलिए आज किसी धननन्द को पराजित होना पड़ रहा है| यह विजय शिक्षक के लिए उपलब्धि नही हो सकती|

धननन्द - यह तथाकथित विजेताओं का दर्शन बोल रहा है, या एक शिक्षक का आदर्श?

चाणक्य - सम्राट, जो आदर्श यथार्थ न हो, वह शिक्षक का दर्शन नही हो सकता|

धननन्द - तुम सच कह रहे हो विष्णुगुप्त| जो दर्शन तुम्हारा नही, वह यथार्थ या आदर्श नही हो सकता|

चाणक्य - सच कह रहे हैं सम्राट| सत्य कि परिभाषा भी हर व्यक्ति के लिए भिन्न-भिन्न होती है|

धननन्द - तुम्हारे सत्य कि परिभाषा क्या है - जो ज्यादा ज़ोर से कहे वह सत्य है या जो जितने ज्यादा लोग कहें वह सत्य है?
सच तो यह है विष्णुगुप्त कि तुम विजयी नही हुए| सच यह है कि मैं पराजित नही हुआ|

चाणक्य - मैं जानता हूँ सम्राट कि मरने से मृत्यु पर विजय नही होती| धननन्द के मरने से धननन्द पर विजय नही हो सकती| मार्ग के कंटक से मुक्ति पाने से मार्ग निष्कंटक नही हो जाता|
पर इससे विष्णुगुप्त का प्रवास थम नही जाता| यदि कोई धननन्द उग्र होगा, तो कोई विष्णुगुप्त भी रुद्ध होगा| मेरा कार्य ही जागना और जगाना है सम्राट|

धननन्द - किसे जगाओगे तुम विष्णुगुप्त? इस सोये हुए समाज को? या उसे जो विचारों का आधार लिए आसन पर आएगा, और समय के साथ स्वयं को धननन्द पायेगा? वही मुझे फिर से जन्म देंगे|

- Dr. Chandraprakash Dwivedi

Going Berserk

Nanotech Productions Ltd presents "DEEWANA KAHIN KAA"

Introducing Abhishek* (Jawan Dilon Ki Dhadkan)

Background Score and Cinematography - Sanket Shrivastava

Screenplay and Direction - Akshaya Kumar

Lunatic Nights

I had not been on talking terms with moon since a long time. It had been difficult since you don't have too many choices in sky. In lonely nights, if you refuse to look at moon, you would gaze in emptiness and the emptiness in turn gazes back to you

Till a few years back we were best of friends. I had even introduced Her to moon. In those lunatic nights, when She would look at moon, the moon would shine in Her eyes. Oh! How fair She would look with those two little moons twinkling! That's the beautiful thing about beauty - when you look at it, you too look beautiful.

Last night moon had come quite close to earth. God knows what passion burns her every night, but she looked brighter than usual, and that effected a rift between the clouds. The poor clouds fell apart here and there in sky, as if something exploded inside them, perhaps envy. Suppressing her smile, she moved proudly like a princess, wearing a golden ring around herself. When her eyes fell on me, she caught me looking up at her. She smiled and I smiled back. We knew we had patched up.

Life of Meat

It takes a life to make a plateful of meat. Meat consumed is life consumed, and meat wasted is life wasted. Even if meat is not wasted, life is wasted. But if meat is wasted, life is doubly wasted.

Man too is edible. He sells best of his time, best piece of his body, everyday only to prolong the torture. What a degrading bondage wrapped in consolatory poetry!

Someone slips on bed and someone is born. Someone slips on road and someone is dead. A whole drama sandwiched between two gratuitous slips! Existence: cosmic joke! Desires, hopes and plans on one hand the cold stare of futility on the other! Important, serious, and worthless. Meaning of life scattered on slippery roads!

A disposable unit of a machine which runs for selfish reasons. An insignificant means to a ridiculous end. Identical dreams in identical cubicles. And identical delusion of being different! Of being indispensable!

Suicide - absconding from prison; but prison has surplus inmates to run its mills. It doesn't remember escapes. Its gates are open. Slavery is the most popular choice.

Temporary insanity and sustaining comfort of oblivion. Hobson's choice - Accept the absurd. And back to the mill. Over.

Abhishek*

Some more thoughts

1. Dodge:- In my Karate sessions (good old IITD days), I was told that a good fighter doesn't waste his energy in unnecessary antics. He doesn't throw around his punches and kicks to feel great about himself. If someone comes to fight him, he doesn't even go and block his rival's blows unless he absolutely has to. But what would he do if he doesn't block the blows that fall on him?

Well, he'd rather dodge! Just let them go! Because every blow doesn't have to be blocked. Every enemy doesn't deserve to be countered. Only shallow men engage in meaningless altercations.

Even in normal life, we must not dissipate our vital energy in blocking every nonsense that we meet in our way. Most of us exhaust our energy in defying (or conforming, it's all the same if you come out tired!) things that are not relevant or significant. We should learn to ignore them, to duck the bouncers. This is not to be confused with cowardice. This is rather a war strategy, if you please, for a higher purpose.

2. Man versus Economic Agent:- I might have posted this in my economy blog. But I decided not to because the matter is not, technically speaking, economic in nature.

Thanks to Kahneman and others, the role of behavioral psychology in economics has been widely acknowledged now. But the opposite is often overlooked, perhaps because it is obvious. But it is important that we do not lose sight of the obvious.

Yesterday, during a discussion, this idea presented itself with a fresh clarity. I noticed that many people exist who would passionately condemn ventures like 'Reliance Fresh'. But the same people would buy its stocks because they are convinced that it would fetch them rich dividends. So, at the end of the day, they would support the same venture in the manner that matters the most. Judging them from their own standards - these investors act lowly.

And each one of these ubiquitous economic agents act lowly - as a consumer, a producer or as an investor. I don't feel any need to use any rhetoric to get this point across.

John might get repelled by mere sight of blood. But if he starts producing weaponries, it is very likely that he would celebrate every prospect of war. After some time, he'd perhaps start defending wars by listing the benefits of it. Similarly, a majority of people hanker after things which were never important to them till yesterday. They don't need them even today, but such is the pressure of being up-to-date that they need them more than things that they actually need - health, leisure and love. In the frenzy of indiscriminate consumption, we forget to say 'No'. And we waste our life in taking things that we take because we don't say no to them. As a result we get indipop and junkfood. 'No' denotes backbone of a person or a society. And we all know what we become when we don't say 'No', especially when we are in market.

With advertisements in TV and economic times subscribed, market has come very close to us, closer than it ever was in the history of man. We stand confused. Perhaps it is for our overall good. Most likely it is not. We must be on guards.

I would rather remain a man than becoming an economic agent.

Some Thoughts

1. Religion and Marriage: - Religion should have no say in the matters of marriage, though I do not deny the role of cultural compatibility in wedding.

Sometime back Religion was inextricably associated with Education. It is not so now. (It's another matter that now Market has taken over it. Greed has replaced Fear.) Morality, for many of us, is now based on the solid foundation of Reason and personal spirituality, and not on fear and superstition. Madarsa etc seems fossils of the bygone era, though they are still in existence. Similarly, there will be a day when people will laugh at the idea of religion and caste etc being the most important factors in matrimony.

When I say this, I want to make it very clear that I do recognize that marriage is primarily and ultimately a social institution. But that doesn't make it a religious ritual in which individuals have to be sacrificed at the altar of meaningless traditions.

Same holds true for caste. In connection with this topic, I have three points to make here.

First, culture and religion are not the same, as commonly supposed. Religious difference/similarity is not necessarily cultural difference/similarly. These two are two different things with nothing much in common.

Second, even the issue of cultural incompatibility must not be used as an excuse to curtail the freedom of adults. Modern times are all about more freedom and more responsibility for man and woman. Moreover, it is possible for two individuals from different religious and cultural backgrounds to strike a harmony at personal level, which transcends all these man-made barriers. It is for them to decide and it is for them to bear the consequences of their decisions. They have right to make a second best decision as well, as long as they don't harm others. Others must not poke their noses in their personal affairs.

Third, the real challenge is not ideological rigor-mortis or intellectual inertia, though nobody can ignore their presence around us, and the formidable frequency with which they present themselves to us. Reason has been made a mere agent of selfishness, a mere alibi to protect the status quo of the satisfied. The real challenge, which beats out the best of thinkers, is social pressure. And for financially and politically potent individuals, this pressure works at an emotional level - the mothers start crying and the fathers stop to talk. We usually succumb to it, and one more generation is sacrificed to perpetuate the traditional nonsense. How do we fight society in its ugliest restrictive form? We can not unless we understand it, and most of us can not. Who is society? How does it look like? Everyone swears by it and no one can see it or show it. But we have to see it, and also see how it works, in order to defeat it. To me, it's clear that this invisible system thrives on our collective ignorance and fear. And its only antithesis is truth and courage. Now can you see why society discourages both? :)

2. The villain inside: - Our mind is like a software that has been installed in our brain. This software has been designed (again, by society, and its powerful Agent Smiths) to control us and rule us through the maxims of the forgotten childhood memories, which primarily involves emotions like fear, guilt and shame. We see what is shown to us and we say what we hear from our surroundings. Original thinking is often a delusion. We think that we are thinking but we hardly ever do that. Doing 2 + 2 = 4 is no thinking. Excuse me for repeating The Matrix here. But repetition is necessary to establish thoughts in the unconscious. Reason alone can't achieve that. We really have to deconstuct our mental make-up in order to free ourselves from its slavery. For truth often lies beyond the mind. And ignorance is a state of mind, and so is slavery.

For instance, in movies, especially in romantic love stories, they show lovers and villains. In the end, the hero defeats the villains and wins his love. But real-life love stories hardly have happy endings. I think this is because real love stories have real villains, and most of the villains are, again, internal and invisible, and therefore difficult to defeat. The real lovers are often caught unaware of the real villains. And the villain, which is lovers' own mind, and its brain-children - doubts and jealousy, possess and strangulate their love in front of their helpless eyes.

perhaps mind can be conquered by Will, because will is not fully ruled by mind. We can say that will is the mind of Nature. Love is also a form of will, an irrevocable decision taken by Nature. A strong-willed man, a hero, laughs at his mind and its doubts and fears. "Say what you want to. Speak as much as you can. But I will not stop loving her." May be the ceremonial fire represents nothing but this will. It is not impossible, since Hinduism is so full of symbolism.

3. The Fruits of Solitude: - What a man gathers in his solitude is what he gives in his company. My friend Sanket spends his time with his guitar when he is alone, and, as a result of that union, we get to hear those lovely, soothing tunes when we are with him. On the other hand someone who doesn't enjoy his solitude is often a boring companion. He has little imagination, and little loyalty to anything but his petty pleasures; his life revolves around the superficialities of sex and sensex, and consequently he has nothing of any worth to share with others.

At the same time, loneliness is a very personal and very real problem, which sometimes we forget and sometimes we endure. But no medicine can cure it. Like disease and death, loneliness is also an existential inevitability.

One way to alleviate the agony of loneliness is an occupying interest. Finally, everything sucks in life. Intensity is required for excellence; but when boredom is concerned, the take-away word is diversity. Have as many interests as possible. Don't worry about depth. We are anyways a shallow generation. People will neither notice nor mind.

To Kerala, On Bike

There are some pleasures in the world which are accessible only to explorers, and no one else. And that is the most charming thing about them.

This Diwali, I am going to explore Kerala. Akshaya and I will spend 5 days and 5 nights uncovering the land of gods, on bike! We will visit Munnar, Alleppey, Mahe, Kozhikode and so many place that we see on maps. But that is not what excites me the most. After a few years of wandering, I have realized that the most beautiful places are the ones who have no names. And the real travelers prefer only them. I am thrilled about those unknown, unnamed and unsold places. I am waiting to ride in forests and sleep on beaches. And I can not wait anymore!

Azadi: Theirs and Ours

Preface

This is a story of a pretty girl called Mira. She lived with her old father in a beautiful village. She had two cousins, Indra and Islam, who lived in the same village, on either side of her house. And both of them had an eye on her. Mira, however, wanted to marry Azad, a charming young man who had recently come in their village. When the cousins made their proposal, she politely declined and said that she loved someone else. This refusal infuriated both, since each wanted to have her. Both used to brag around and claim that it was he whom she loved, and quarreled with each other. She had become a question of honor for them. "How dare she like someone else?", their fists clenched.

One night, mad with passion, Islam broke into her house to abduct her. Her poor old father woke up and cried for help. Indra immediately rushed in and offered his hand, on a condition that Mira would have to marry her protector. Helpless with anxiety and terror, the old man acquiesced. And what happened that night was to haunt her for years to come.

Everyone in village had guessed that marriage will settle everything. But marriages hardly ever settle anything. Marriages that are labeled successful just serve to hide and quieten things. This marriage, however, was not even successful, and so things were not hidden or quietened. Even 10 years after that fateful night, Mira was unable to forget her old love, even if her husband found her sentiments for Azad disgraceful and ridiculous. But her fondness for him was still there, at least partly, due to her husband only who never had any feelings for her, except that of an ownership. And in order to protect this ownership, he had kept her confined in a house, which was fenced by barbed wire and guarded by armed men, who felt free to do whatever they like if she tried to run away, or in alibi of the same.

Meanwhile, Islam, seething with insult and jealousy, and aided by his brother's enemies, sneaked around and threatened to gate-crash. This gave Indra quite a presentable reason to keep his wife immured, in name of her security.

The real reason, however, was dark and sinister. With time, the distrust and enmity between the two brothers had grown so much that Indra was afraid that Islam and his goons might try to intrude upon his land and property. Mira kept him well occupied, and thereby served as a buffer between the two sides and bore the brunt of Islam's aggression. What hurt her more, though, was Indra's indifference.

Meanwhile some kind-hearted women had visited the chief of village and raised their concern for poor Mira. As soon as this was made an issue, old graves were disinterred and Islam jumped in to make the most of it - to play the legal game and try his luck again. On the other hand, for every question asked, Indra had a ready made answer - Mira was legally married to him and so she was an inseparable part of his family. Most of the folks, especially Indra's kins, found this argument beyond any doubt or debate.

The case still goes on. The shrewd chief uses this case to manipulate the brothers and to meet his own ends. Mira still lives in that house with gloom and despair. But when she sleeps, she dreams of walking freely again some day, out in open, with Azad by her side.

Freedom: Theirs and Ours

We often need some degree of impartiality to see the truth, and literature provides us that. As story readers, we are in a better position to see the human side of a situation than the characters; as in case of Mira better than her husband and her husband's kins, whose sights are blinded by passion and selfishness. The story of Mira is just a preface to this article, and just an attempt to prepare the reader to approach the presented perspective with more patience and tolerance. Ananya Vajpeyi, the writer, tries to sensitize us, the Indian readers, towards Kashmiri people and urges us to look towards their pains and their sentiments for Azadi more sympathetically, which is not easy to come by otherwise.

Though I do not subscribe to everything that has been written there, and I have strong reservations against some of the arguments, I would still admit that this article gives us a new perspective to look at the old problem. The writer unsettles our thoughts and compels us to question our long-held assumptions and beliefs. What is a nation - land or people? - or an agreement that holds a group of people, who cluster together because of some unique commonalities? Should breach of this agreement - demand to make a separate nation - be permitted? Permitted by whom? Why should someone have rights to control others' freedom? And when? There are too many questions. We'll have to think, and we have to think about our thinking. We'll have to ask ourselves - what are the principles we live by, and we have to assess whether they are consistent with contemporary social context as well as with eternal human values. We have to think to save what is human in us - for what are we left with if we lose our soul?

Sony: safety or superstition?

Last to last sunday I was clicking with my team in the outskirts of Hyderabad. Suddenly, the lens of my cybershot got stuck and refused to move. Sajjad consoled me that it would just need a regular cleaning. Anyway I was not bothered much because I had not dropped it anywhere. And the name of sony was there to assure me. I kept it in the bag and came home after some trekking.

This sunday I gave the camera (DSC-H1) to Sony Service Center. I was told that they charge 500/- just to open it. So even to get it cleaned you shell out that much money, and some more of course! Okay! 'Not too much for the assurance that sony gives you', I rationalized and accepted their terms. They were to give me an estimate on Monday morning. They didn't. Today they did - an estimate of Rs 17,000! I didn't want to hear the details. I calmly asked them not to do anything. For me, it's over. No more Sony cybershot for me.

I am not the only one who has suffered for their incompetence and apathy. Sajjad and one of our team members, Vivek, have already had bitter experiences with Sony cybershot. And the story does not end with them. Read some reviews on web and you'll realize that Sony digi-cams are certainly not upto their reputation and their customer support is downright frustrating. They are as cold as the place they come from, and they just don't care for you. You are just one of their millions of customers, a mere point on a graph! If you harden your heart to pay their servicing charges, you will have to wait for weeks till the parts are procured from Singapore. One of my friends has even fired a lawsuit against them for poor product quality (DSC-H2) and continual harassment.

Sony deserves worse for their attitude alone. Coming to their products, their quality make things further unbearable. In digi-cams, Sony is far from being best. Old boys Nikon and Canon rule unchallenged - for they are superior in quality and they are consumer friendly as well. I wish I knew all this 2 years back.

Despite that, sony dares to go monopolistic. You can use only their memory card in their digi-cams, and only their recorders in their handycams. Their tripods are costlier than most. Even their ordinary covers cost ridiculously high! They seem to tax you for the tag that they give to you, as if you are going to feel something like the count of monte cristo with that damn tag.

I didn't expect my camera to last forever. Life has taught me how fragile things are. And it has taught me that we live in a messed-up world that follows the second law of thermodynamics, and the only thing we can control is our own response to the shit happening outside. I have lost dearer things, and now the very idea of having and not having, gaining and losing seems illusary to me. But this philosophy works at a different level. I don't allow this to be lucrative for the scoundrels. In market, we must demand the value for our money. The take-away message is - think twice before paying for sony cybershot. Sony is less safe than you think.